Content

Its been ages since I blogged. Just couldn't bring myself to do it. Have struggled in so many ways in recent months. The longer its been since Noah's death, the harder its been to cope. Which is the opposite to what I thought it would be like. And the opposite to what other people thought too. Some think I should be 'over it' by now. Well I'm not. I don't know how long it will be till Noah's death doesn't produce raw feelings in me. Till pregnancy and birth announcements don't tear me in two. In the meantime I'm praying for healing and for strength. For grace to congratulate those who have had babies and those who are pregnant. Up until now, I've found it impossible to do. Apologies to all who I've not sent my well wishes to. In my heart I'm pleased for you, but the pain prevents me having the strength to say or do anything. So far..

Today was the first day in months that I felt content. We picked up our family Christmas present today. We get ourselves a treat each year. Well... our daughter a treat anyway :) We got her a playhouse playground thing. She loves it.

My perfect moment happened today. Picture this.

I'm in the kitchen, making my favourite meal at the moment (Chicken and Asparagus Mornay). I'm listening to Michael W Smith and Steven Curtis Chapman music. I'm watching my wonderful husband play with my wonderful daughter outside. All I can hear over the top of the sweet music was the even sweeter sound of my daughter giggling with delight.

Content. Yep thats how I feel today. And to top it off... God sent the most amazing and heavenly sunset.

A reminder He loves me... a reminder He loves Noah and is holding him close in heaven. For me.. sunsets are a sneak peak at heaven. I don't think heaven will be white clouds or angels with harps. It will be colours... lots of colours, bright golden light and LOVE ... overwhelming love.

And one day I'll be there. I'll be with Jesus, I'll be with my children and family. I'll be home.

Content.

The sunset from my backyard. Makes me wish sometimes I was closer to the beach or high enough to see the horizon. Still... it was big enough and beautiful enough to get my attention and I loved it.

Blessed.

Its been a while since I posted. I had a gastro virus for 2 weeks and just at the tail end of that virus I got the flu. Have had that for over a week now. Not feeling any better either, getting worse in fact. I'm rather over being unwell. Hoping my body will get better soon.

We found out Noah's results yesterday. We've got a diagnosis for what was wrong with him. We've found out that its not likely to be a genetic cause which means its not likely to happen again. What happened to our sweet boy Noah was 1 in 10,000 babies. The doctor said to me ''You may ask 'why me' but when the statistic is 1 in 10,000 babies, why not you? If not you, it would have happened to someone else. It was going to happen, it just happened to be you. You've been struck by lightening''. I thought he approached that in a good way. I haven't found myself too often thinking 'why me'. I do admit to getting jealous of my friends having healthy pregnancies when I haven't been able to the last 3 times. But I understand that everyone has something to struggle with in life. This is just a trial I have to cope with in mine at this point in my life. The thing that makes me sad.. is that my sweet Noah fell into a small percentage of babies that just don't happen to have all their organs form properly. Amazing when you look at how complex the body is, and how much has to go right, its a wonder any of us are here at all.

On the way to the hospital, it was very 'rainbow' type weather. Cloudy, random showers of rain, with sunshine breaking up the clouds in places. Reminded me a lot of the day before Noah was born. When we saw that beautiful rainbow right in front of our window. That looked like it was placed there, just for us. I believe it was.
I felt disappointed I didn't see any rainbows on the way to the appointment. I thought that it would have been a great way for God to comfort me (gotta love how I tell him how best to make me feel better. When He knows whats best... I tell him anyway..). Got to the hospital, went to the appointment and got our news which was better than we thought it would be.
The reason I've called today's blog 'blessed' is because the news we got could have been so much worse. It could have been a genetic cause that meant any future babies could have the same problem. Or we could have not received any answers at all, which so many people I know have. All they got was a 'we don't know'.
I feel blessed. I not only got to hold my son, carry my son and love my son. I was able to find out information that can help with some closure and still gives me hope for the future. Hope. Another word that is so special to me.
When we left the hospital we thought we better stop at the pharmacy there and buy some teething gel, since my daughters molars are yet to come through. While I was waiting for Nigel to get the teething gel I looked over at the hospitals gift shop. This is what it is called:

 So I did get my rainbow in the end... just not the way I expected. I love it when God does that.

Blessed.

He is faithful

Finally starting to feel better after being ill for a week or two. Nice to have a bit of energy. On my way to my parents house today I stopped by a Christian bookstore and bought a few cds I've been meaning to get for months but hadn't gotten around to it yet. One of them was Steven Curtis Chapman's album Beauty Will Rise which he wrote after he lost his daughter Maria. I have found the songs on this album to be exactly how my heart is feeling and have found great comfort and encouragement in his songs.

In a week or so's time we'll be finding out Noah's autopsy results. I'm so anxious about what they might say and what that means for our family. I have so many questions that I want answered but at the same time am terrified of finding out.

This song I listened to today, really helped me. Here are the lyrics:

Faithful - SCC

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cos You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cos You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cos You are faithful.
God You are faithful.


I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

Yesterday I drove to visit Noah's grave. I just sat there and talked to him. Sat with him in silence. Prayed to God. I miss my son so much. They still haven't got his plaque on his grave yet. They told me it would only be 3 - 4 weeks.. its been more like 6 .. I wish they would just be honest with time frames.. not try and make things easier by telling us it will be quicker when it won't be. I had the hospital do that to us too with almost everything to do with Noah (autopsy results, hand and foot prints, appt times, phone calls etc). They told us it would be a certain time frame.. then you ring up when nothing has happened and someone else says ''I don't know why they told you that.. it never happens that quickly''. I'd rather be told the longer time frame.. and be nicely surprised if it happened sooner.. than constantly waiting and wondering why things haven't happened yet. What went wrong? Did someone make a mistake? Its just more torture at a time that is already difficult. 

Am going to get ready for bed now and listen to some more music to relax and encourage me before I go to sleep. 

I'm going to try my best to keep trusting in the God who is faithful.. and who.. when I haven't seen a rainbow in real life for a few weeks.. gave me one in my dream last night. A rainbow that when I moved to looked away, that it followed me and didn't disappear. God's faithfulness. Beautiful. Thanks God for being in my dreams. 

Sigh

Not doing so well at the moment. Feel like I've got nothing useful to post about really. I'm still ill and starting to feel quite depressed about my situation. We find out Noah's autopsy results next week which fills me with anxiety enough, without not knowing why I'm still sick and whats wrong with me. I just want things to be a bit more normal, to have a break from difficulties, tests, worries, health issues and appts for a while. But no.. God still is allowing all this to happen.
I'm tired of life and tired of being tired. I'm trying to hang onto Jesus and focus on him and how he's pulled me through in the past. But being ill means I've got less strength to keep focussed and my doubts rise up.
I'm thankful for some friends who haven't forgotten about me and my need for prayer still.
In the meantime.. I'll keep walking through this valley... one day I'll reach the mountain top.

Footprints on a mothers heart

I've been very unwell all week. Hormones everywhere, got a cold/gastric flu thing and also strained my neck. So been very uncomfortable and feeling very sorry for myself. Sometimes I just can't stop crying and wish Noah to be in my arms. Especially as his due date gets closer and closer. I would have been around 30 weeks by now. I've been trying to lose weight since Noah's birth. Interestingly since not eating for almost a week from this bug i've lost a few kilos and my tummy just seems so flat it upsets me (rather than making me happy). I wish Noah was still in there but healthy and growing well. But he isn't. He wouldn't have been.

I finally received from the hospital his hand and foot prints they took when he was born. They're beautiful and precious.

Its nice to have these prints. It represents how I feel.. though I only had him for a short time. He changed my life forever. He left his footprints on my heart. They will be there always. xo

Miracles

I'm so tired. I've spent hours lately just sifting through so many blogs families have set up dedicating to their children who have died. Its quite overwhelming actually. Makes my blog feel like a drop in the ocean. But thats ok. I am mainly writing this to get my own thoughts out. Stop them swirling around in my head. If someone reads them and finds them helpful or interesting then thats a bonus.

I was thinking yesterday a lot about miracles. I was listening to a song by the Newsboys about miracles and how they believed they would happen. My immediate thought was 'hey.. I prayed for a miracle for my son to be saved.. and he wasn't'. But then I thought about it more. Jesus says God answers our prayers. But often it seems like he doesn't.

So it got me thinking about Noah and what happened. I prayed to God for a miracle.. to heal his kidneys. I asked God 'please can you give me a miracle'. Well I think he did. He didn't heal Noah's kidneys. Noah still died. But God gave me a miracle of faith. I've had many people mention how amazed at my faith they were during all our heartache. And I can honestly say it wasn't anything I did. I couldn't have given myself that much faith.. I couldn't have done anything in my earthly power to be that strong, to keep trusting in God after so many heartaches and losses. But God gave me that faith.. and in my mind.. based on where I was at in my faith a few months earlier... that it was a miracle of faith. God gave me faith when I needed it. I wasn't strong enough, but he was.

We face situations in our life that are harder than we can handle. And we can't handle them alone. God gives us everything we need. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but he does, just in ways we sometimes don't see or notice. We need to look and search out for those little surprises and gifts he gives us, even in the darkest of times.

I wish so much Noah didn't die, I long to hold him in my arms, see his smile, hear his cry. But I can't. I won't. I don't understand why I've lost so many babies and so many people have children without difficulty or illness or infertility. It doesn't seem fair but its an imperfect world.
But we do have a perfect God who loves us. Loves our children. They are HIS children. And he lends them to us. Then he takes them home. We are his children too. He's lent us to our parents. One day we'll be with him too. It will be a wonderful day.

In the meantime.. until I reach heaven.. I will look for the little miracles that surround me.. the prayers God answers in ways that are the best.. the ways that are in accordance with his will.. and the ways which are special and intended just for me. Our God who loves us personally... xx

Missing Noah

I've been feeling ill for a day now. Caught a bug or ate something dodgy yesterday. Even though I've had the day to rest while my wonderful husband stayed home to look after me and Charlotte, I've felt very stressed. Probably just built up stress from everything with Noah and everything thats to come.

Missing him so much tonight. So many friends pregnant at the moment. So many due when I would have been. I had a lot of friends have babies when I had Charlotte. Most of them are now pregnant. Feels hard to be the one who has tried and failed so many times to have another baby. I know I'm not alone in this but still is difficult.

I still appreciate my Charlotte, who constantly brings me joy. I love the way she loves me.

This photo was taken the day of Noah's funeral. But I love it.

I got another photo to remember Noah by today. The same wonderful woman who did the sunset photo for Noah and my miscarried babies, did a personalised butterfly for me too. One of the photos she took for me is below. The hearts next to Noah's name represent my two miscarried babies. I miss them so much too.

So beautiful and so special.

I wonder if anyone reads my blogs. Suppose it doesn't matter if they don't. Somewhere for me to talk about how I feel. I know it can get tiring listening to me drone on about missing my babies. Depressing I guess.

But I can't help it. At least I know God isn't sick of listening to me. And he knows how I feel too. I'm thankful for his compassion and mercy towards me. And his strength to continue walking this long road.