Its been ages since I blogged. Just couldn't bring myself to do it. Have struggled in so many ways in recent months. The longer its been since Noah's death, the harder its been to cope. Which is the opposite to what I thought it would be like. And the opposite to what other people thought too. Some think I should be 'over it' by now. Well I'm not. I don't know how long it will be till Noah's death doesn't produce raw feelings in me. Till pregnancy and birth announcements don't tear me in two. In the meantime I'm praying for healing and for strength. For grace to congratulate those who have had babies and those who are pregnant. Up until now, I've found it impossible to do. Apologies to all who I've not sent my well wishes to. In my heart I'm pleased for you, but the pain prevents me having the strength to say or do anything. So far..
Today was the first day in months that I felt content. We picked up our family Christmas present today. We get ourselves a treat each year. Well... our daughter a treat anyway :) We got her a playhouse playground thing. She loves it.
My perfect moment happened today. Picture this.
I'm in the kitchen, making my favourite meal at the moment (Chicken and Asparagus Mornay). I'm listening to Michael W Smith and Steven Curtis Chapman music. I'm watching my wonderful husband play with my wonderful daughter outside. All I can hear over the top of the sweet music was the even sweeter sound of my daughter giggling with delight.
Content. Yep thats how I feel today. And to top it off... God sent the most amazing and heavenly sunset.
A reminder He loves me... a reminder He loves Noah and is holding him close in heaven. For me.. sunsets are a sneak peak at heaven. I don't think heaven will be white clouds or angels with harps. It will be colours... lots of colours, bright golden light and LOVE ... overwhelming love.
And one day I'll be there. I'll be with Jesus, I'll be with my children and family. I'll be home.
The sunset from my backyard. Makes me wish sometimes I was closer to the beach or high enough to see the horizon. Still... it was big enough and beautiful enough to get my attention and I loved it.