Footprints on a mothers heart

I've been very unwell all week. Hormones everywhere, got a cold/gastric flu thing and also strained my neck. So been very uncomfortable and feeling very sorry for myself. Sometimes I just can't stop crying and wish Noah to be in my arms. Especially as his due date gets closer and closer. I would have been around 30 weeks by now. I've been trying to lose weight since Noah's birth. Interestingly since not eating for almost a week from this bug i've lost a few kilos and my tummy just seems so flat it upsets me (rather than making me happy). I wish Noah was still in there but healthy and growing well. But he isn't. He wouldn't have been.

I finally received from the hospital his hand and foot prints they took when he was born. They're beautiful and precious.

Its nice to have these prints. It represents how I feel.. though I only had him for a short time. He changed my life forever. He left his footprints on my heart. They will be there always. xo

Miracles

I'm so tired. I've spent hours lately just sifting through so many blogs families have set up dedicating to their children who have died. Its quite overwhelming actually. Makes my blog feel like a drop in the ocean. But thats ok. I am mainly writing this to get my own thoughts out. Stop them swirling around in my head. If someone reads them and finds them helpful or interesting then thats a bonus.

I was thinking yesterday a lot about miracles. I was listening to a song by the Newsboys about miracles and how they believed they would happen. My immediate thought was 'hey.. I prayed for a miracle for my son to be saved.. and he wasn't'. But then I thought about it more. Jesus says God answers our prayers. But often it seems like he doesn't.

So it got me thinking about Noah and what happened. I prayed to God for a miracle.. to heal his kidneys. I asked God 'please can you give me a miracle'. Well I think he did. He didn't heal Noah's kidneys. Noah still died. But God gave me a miracle of faith. I've had many people mention how amazed at my faith they were during all our heartache. And I can honestly say it wasn't anything I did. I couldn't have given myself that much faith.. I couldn't have done anything in my earthly power to be that strong, to keep trusting in God after so many heartaches and losses. But God gave me that faith.. and in my mind.. based on where I was at in my faith a few months earlier... that it was a miracle of faith. God gave me faith when I needed it. I wasn't strong enough, but he was.

We face situations in our life that are harder than we can handle. And we can't handle them alone. God gives us everything we need. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but he does, just in ways we sometimes don't see or notice. We need to look and search out for those little surprises and gifts he gives us, even in the darkest of times.

I wish so much Noah didn't die, I long to hold him in my arms, see his smile, hear his cry. But I can't. I won't. I don't understand why I've lost so many babies and so many people have children without difficulty or illness or infertility. It doesn't seem fair but its an imperfect world.
But we do have a perfect God who loves us. Loves our children. They are HIS children. And he lends them to us. Then he takes them home. We are his children too. He's lent us to our parents. One day we'll be with him too. It will be a wonderful day.

In the meantime.. until I reach heaven.. I will look for the little miracles that surround me.. the prayers God answers in ways that are the best.. the ways that are in accordance with his will.. and the ways which are special and intended just for me. Our God who loves us personally... xx

Missing Noah

I've been feeling ill for a day now. Caught a bug or ate something dodgy yesterday. Even though I've had the day to rest while my wonderful husband stayed home to look after me and Charlotte, I've felt very stressed. Probably just built up stress from everything with Noah and everything thats to come.

Missing him so much tonight. So many friends pregnant at the moment. So many due when I would have been. I had a lot of friends have babies when I had Charlotte. Most of them are now pregnant. Feels hard to be the one who has tried and failed so many times to have another baby. I know I'm not alone in this but still is difficult.

I still appreciate my Charlotte, who constantly brings me joy. I love the way she loves me.

This photo was taken the day of Noah's funeral. But I love it.

I got another photo to remember Noah by today. The same wonderful woman who did the sunset photo for Noah and my miscarried babies, did a personalised butterfly for me too. One of the photos she took for me is below. The hearts next to Noah's name represent my two miscarried babies. I miss them so much too.

So beautiful and so special.

I wonder if anyone reads my blogs. Suppose it doesn't matter if they don't. Somewhere for me to talk about how I feel. I know it can get tiring listening to me drone on about missing my babies. Depressing I guess.

But I can't help it. At least I know God isn't sick of listening to me. And he knows how I feel too. I'm thankful for his compassion and mercy towards me. And his strength to continue walking this long road.

Exhausted

Busy day today. Family get together this morning at the baptism of my niece and nephew. Big lunch afterwards and then tea at the in laws. Overall was a nice day. Difficult to in some ways. Had a few people mention Noah and how sad they are for me. Which meant a lot they said something. Some people say nothing which can be worse. Depending on the day. Losing Noah is a huge part of my life. He is still my son. I don't want him to be ignored just because its painful and I miss him. I still love him and thinking of him still brings a warmth to my heart. Also held a few babies today. First time since Noah died. One of them is the same age that one of my babies would have been had I not miscarried. Thats always difficult. Seeing other peoples children the same age and just wondering what life would have been like if that baby had survived.

Its hard cos I miss my miscarried babies as much as Noah. Its just I have a name for Noah and I got to hold him. Doesn't mean I don't miss my other babies. As well as the photos for Noah that I got made, I also had ones done for my two miscarried babies.

(Thanks again to Carly for doing these photos for me)

Its hard knowing we have 3 children in heaven. But good knowing they are happy and safe and can miss out the pain of this world. But its hard for a mother to lose her children. Its not the way it should happen. And it doesn't matter how early you lost them. Its still a child you love dearly.

After Noah was born a family member gave us a 'Willow Tree' statue. It was a boy holding a heart. I've been given a few of those Willow Tree statues over the years and when I received my new one I put it up on top of the tv with all the others. I was surprised with what I saw. It was 6 people represented and it just looked like my family. Nigel and myself with baby Charlotte, Noah standing and watching over us and our two little angel babies next to him. Our beautiful family of 6.
I love how God puts together things like that for us. Little things to bless us. In ways we could never have imagined but are so special. Awesome.

God loves to remind me...

Have had a busy day today. Lots to organise and places to go. Didn't manage to go to all the places we wanted to today. Hate days like that. But God showed me some special things along the way.

Was feeling a bit sad again. Sorry for myself. Missing Noah. Longing for another baby. Realising that could never happen or be a long way away. Had to go and get a card for my niece and nephews baptism so went into a Christian bookstore to buy them one. Happened to just browse around the corner from the cards and discovered these:
 

 

 

I couldn't believe it. Keyrings and magnets with Kookaburra's on them with a sunrise and sunset. And not just that.. but the verse saying 'Be still and know that I am God' is one that was a big comfort to me during Noah's birth. And the other verse is from Samuel which is Noah's middle name. Amazing.

And then Nigel found this poster. We had to buy it and will put it up somewhere where we can see it and be reminded. Its just beautiful.

What a beautiful God we have. One who comforts us in our sadness. One who is faithful to us when we need his help. One who will never abandon us. One who doesn't forget the grief you feel, even after others have forgotten. One who died for us so we could be with him. So Noah could be with him.

A beautiful God.

Thank you for the reminder God.

I recently lost my son Noah. These are my favourite pictures that will forever remind me of him. They comfort me in my grief.

This is a necklace I got made in memory of Noah. The 3 birthstones in the middle signify 3 months.. January (conception), June (birth) and October (due date).

This is a photo that I ordered for Noah. He is free as a butterfly now.

Rainbows will always be a special reminder of our son Noah. Because of Noah in the bible and because a rainbow appeared the day before Noah was born. It was God's promise of faithfulness and love to us.

This photo was taken at the cemetery Noah was buried in. The rainbow was right over his grave. So special.

I will always think of Noah when I see a Kookaburra. We had one keep us company near our window during Noah's birth. He flew away when Noah was born.

A sweet woman named Carly writes babies names who have passed, in the sand at a beach during the sunset.  Sunsets have always been special to me. They are a reminder that God loves us. God loved us enough to give us Noah. Though He took him to heaven, we will always be thankful for that gift. Even though our time was so short with him. 

Mummy loves and misses you Noah xo

Time Flies

Just found my old blog after 4 years!!! Somehow managed to get back into it. Am lucky it sent me the password to my email address. Would never have remembered that one. Was a random password set for this blog only.

But I do like it so will keep it. Just must remember to come on here more often.

I think time has come for me to do some blogging again. This time though, not for a holiday. Just daily life as I walk along the path God has set for me.

Thanks for reading xo