I'm so tired. I've spent hours lately just sifting through so many blogs families have set up dedicating to their children who have died. Its quite overwhelming actually. Makes my blog feel like a drop in the ocean. But thats ok. I am mainly writing this to get my own thoughts out. Stop them swirling around in my head. If someone reads them and finds them helpful or interesting then thats a bonus.
I was thinking yesterday a lot about miracles. I was listening to a song by the Newsboys about miracles and how they believed they would happen. My immediate thought was 'hey.. I prayed for a miracle for my son to be saved.. and he wasn't'. But then I thought about it more. Jesus says God answers our prayers. But often it seems like he doesn't.
So it got me thinking about Noah and what happened. I prayed to God for a miracle.. to heal his kidneys. I asked God 'please can you give me a miracle'. Well I think he did. He didn't heal Noah's kidneys. Noah still died. But God gave me a miracle of faith. I've had many people mention how amazed at my faith they were during all our heartache. And I can honestly say it wasn't anything I did. I couldn't have given myself that much faith.. I couldn't have done anything in my earthly power to be that strong, to keep trusting in God after so many heartaches and losses. But God gave me that faith.. and in my mind.. based on where I was at in my faith a few months earlier... that it was a miracle of faith. God gave me faith when I needed it. I wasn't strong enough, but he was.
We face situations in our life that are harder than we can handle. And we can't handle them alone. God gives us everything we need. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but he does, just in ways we sometimes don't see or notice. We need to look and search out for those little surprises and gifts he gives us, even in the darkest of times.
I wish so much Noah didn't die, I long to hold him in my arms, see his smile, hear his cry. But I can't. I won't. I don't understand why I've lost so many babies and so many people have children without difficulty or illness or infertility. It doesn't seem fair but its an imperfect world.
But we do have a perfect God who loves us. Loves our children. They are HIS children. And he lends them to us. Then he takes them home. We are his children too. He's lent us to our parents. One day we'll be with him too. It will be a wonderful day.
In the meantime.. until I reach heaven.. I will look for the little miracles that surround me.. the prayers God answers in ways that are the best.. the ways that are in accordance with his will.. and the ways which are special and intended just for me. Our God who loves us personally... xx