He is faithful

Finally starting to feel better after being ill for a week or two. Nice to have a bit of energy. On my way to my parents house today I stopped by a Christian bookstore and bought a few cds I've been meaning to get for months but hadn't gotten around to it yet. One of them was Steven Curtis Chapman's album Beauty Will Rise which he wrote after he lost his daughter Maria. I have found the songs on this album to be exactly how my heart is feeling and have found great comfort and encouragement in his songs.

In a week or so's time we'll be finding out Noah's autopsy results. I'm so anxious about what they might say and what that means for our family. I have so many questions that I want answered but at the same time am terrified of finding out.

This song I listened to today, really helped me. Here are the lyrics:

Faithful - SCC

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cos You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cos You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cos You are faithful.
God You are faithful.


I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

Yesterday I drove to visit Noah's grave. I just sat there and talked to him. Sat with him in silence. Prayed to God. I miss my son so much. They still haven't got his plaque on his grave yet. They told me it would only be 3 - 4 weeks.. its been more like 6 .. I wish they would just be honest with time frames.. not try and make things easier by telling us it will be quicker when it won't be. I had the hospital do that to us too with almost everything to do with Noah (autopsy results, hand and foot prints, appt times, phone calls etc). They told us it would be a certain time frame.. then you ring up when nothing has happened and someone else says ''I don't know why they told you that.. it never happens that quickly''. I'd rather be told the longer time frame.. and be nicely surprised if it happened sooner.. than constantly waiting and wondering why things haven't happened yet. What went wrong? Did someone make a mistake? Its just more torture at a time that is already difficult. 

Am going to get ready for bed now and listen to some more music to relax and encourage me before I go to sleep. 

I'm going to try my best to keep trusting in the God who is faithful.. and who.. when I haven't seen a rainbow in real life for a few weeks.. gave me one in my dream last night. A rainbow that when I moved to looked away, that it followed me and didn't disappear. God's faithfulness. Beautiful. Thanks God for being in my dreams.